evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
this will be a night to untag.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
