We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
