Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
