Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
