If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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