A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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