I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
