Swine flu. Run for my life!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
