so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
