Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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