I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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