I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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