She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
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Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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