Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
