I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
