I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
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No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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