I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
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It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
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I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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