Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
