Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
