do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
