I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
