i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
