i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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