I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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