i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
