I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Never joke about your clitoris.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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