I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
