I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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