Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
