Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
3 2 1 whiskey
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
