dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
