Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
