god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Acid is not a monday night drug
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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