Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
