never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She just used a chaser for red wine.
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Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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