I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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