does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
