last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
