Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
