Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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