and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
