Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
