Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
