i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
