every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
