On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
