you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
