do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hippo gnu deer
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
