me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
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other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
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