My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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