U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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