I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
