I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
