I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
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I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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