Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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