My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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